Sometimes, like right now, I feel like a total failure. Sometimes I feel okay, but not right now. I am going to try and lay out a list of facts with no emotion. I'll get to the emotion.
I am a woman who is forty-nine years old.
I have been married and divorced twice.
I have had a few other relationships that were all the same and ended the same.
I have four children, who I raised on my own, with very little help but a great deal of criticism from their fathers.
I have had nine jobs in my life.
I have owned eight cars in my life.
I have never owned a house.
I have burned a lot of bridges, sometimes before I was completely across them.
I have several very good friends, and I rarely talk to them.
I am currently in the best relationship of my life, with the man that is better than all of my dreams.
I have some health issues - some beyond my control, some...not so much.
Now, to more subjective issues:
I have always considered myself slightly above average looking. I don't anymore.
I can be witty and charming. I can be boring and one step away from catatonic. I can carry on an intelligent conversation, and I can go for hours without speaking. I can be very giving and generous; I love without reservation. I can be very selfish. I have thoughts of things that I should do for people I love, but I fail at turning that into action.
I have raised four children by myself, and they are all wonderful people, with various problems and idiosyncrasies. They are all employed and self-reliant, I consider that a win. I worked and paid the bills and cooked the meals and attended plays, award ceremonies, parent/teacher meetings, baseball games, hockey games, soccer games, basketball games and tennis matches. I watched practices and skateboard competitions; I was the president of the PTA, I was the room mother, I was on the Little League Board of Directors, the Athletic Booster Club, the Band Boosters, and the Orchestra Boosters.
Sometimes I think that I used up all my energy in the 27 years that I was raising my kids, and now there is nothing left. Sometimes I think that if I would get off my fat ass and lose about forty pounds, a lot of my medical issues would cease being issues, and I would have more energy to DO things.
But then sometimes I think maybe this is just what it feels like to be fifty. I don't know. What does everybody else feel like? How are you supposed to know that? Does everybody struggle to shower and get dressed every day? I mean, some days I just want to stay in my jammies. Of course, that is a problem because I don't wear jammies - but the concept is the same.
I just don't always feel like I am being the person I should be. Somewhere down the line I became this person that I don't always recognize. I'm just so tired. Not sleepy, tired. Tired. Tired.
What is keeping me awake tonight is I am feeling a little overwhelmed by my general unworthiness in life, and wondering why my ever so fabulous boyfriend wants me. Or how long he'll want me. I don't feel like I deserve him anymore.
Now, what is stupid about this is that some of the more tangible things that make me feel unworthy are totally under my control. Like, for instance, I have this terrible tendency to be a slob. I can leave dishes in the sink for three days while having the best of intentions of doing them in just a minute. More than half the time, he does them, and he doesn't complain a bit. But it makes me feel like crap. So why don't I just get up and do the damn dishes? So I'm tired. So it makes my back hurt a little bit. And? Do the damn dishes! Clear the clutter off the bathroom counter every now and then. Quit putting your clothes in the bedroom floor. There's a hamper in the bathroom. Right?
And you know, get on the bicycle or something and lose some weight. He deserves so much better than how I look right now. But I feel so helpless, somehow. Overwhelmed. It's just so much easier to sit on the couch and stare at the TV; play a game on my phone; read a book. I just want things to magically fix themselves while I'm sleeping. Is that so much to ask? Yeah, yeah, I know.
So whoever said that life was fair? Or easy? As hard as I worked all those years when I had kids....I wouldn't have to do half the work now, but it didn't hurt to do it then. :) This aging thing is for the birds.
So I should go to bed and get some sleep. I should get up tomorrow and finish the laundry and clean the kitchen and the bathroom. I should go ride my bike, and drink water instead of Dr Pepper. I should keep a positive attitude and DO things instead of thinking things. Doesn't that sound easy? Sure it does.
And it might happen. It might. Or I might sleep for twelve hours. Again.
